Awaking to the clang of his cell door opening, Rasputin was greeted with the welcome words, we found a receipt from AC Moore which proves it was a frame. They are letting you go.
The good news ceased when Rasputin opened the envelope containing his belongings, "Where is my invasion plan?" he asked.
The clerk looked at a list and with a bored voice which had taken twenty three years to perfect said, "Not listed here."
Sensing that arguing would be futile, Rasputin left the police station, bought a large bottle of gin, across the street, and wandered until he found a public library where he commandeered a computer a...nd told a librarian who was trying to be helpful, "Someday this table will be in the Smithsonian."
The librarian who had her own bottles of gin secreted in the stacks, nodded. She too had her fantasies and, despite his rather scruffy appearance, this rabbit had a strangely attractive something that kept her from asking if he had a library card.
At home Rasputin had a specially designed keyboard designed to accommoda...te his paws, here he made do with a lot of typos.
From a server deep in Eastern Europe Rasputin unleashed an elite group of Nigerian bankers, who, with a special script, befriended everybody on facebook Then with data purchased from ROTFL Associated he misdirected lurid email to those rated most susceptible and automatically logged them into "The Farmers Daughter", a ...website which had been made to look like Farmville, except it wasn't fields that were being plowed.
The librarian, a woman who built walls of books to keep the world at bay, looked over Rasputin's shoulder and was intrigued as he pushed a teenage girl away from the computer next to his and called up Farmville Cam which showed a seemingly uneventful day, Uneventful until one noticed the armored tractors driving up and... down the roads, patrolling the fields of grass he had planted.
It took Rasputin a second to understand what he was seeing, in the short time he'd spent in dalliance as an admiral had given drug cartels time to move in to farmville. "there goes the neighborhood," he thought realizing that it was a good thing he'd misplaced his invasion plan. He was, he knew going to have to adlib like never before.
There was only one force greater than the drug cartels, and that was their mothers. Rasputin called up his specially designed search engine, and thanking Facebook for its recent addition of specialized groups, he began an ad campaign designed to attract this set of users. Unfortunately they were all distracted havin...g been a primary target of the Nigerian bankers he had just unleashed.
Rasputin had not adequately covered his tracks and his ad campaign got
him a hundred emails promising everything from defenestration to
decapitation.
And he knew that once again defeat had been projectile vomited from the mouth of bulimic victory.
Just when things seemed hopeless the librarian tapped him on the shoulder. "It's my lunch hour, would you like to go to a juice bar?"
Wondering if she would get turned on by the dewey decimal system, Rasputin logged off the computer, but not before taking note of an upcoming convention of Napoleon Re-enactors. "Your n...ame isn't Josephine by any chance," he asked?
This was not the first time Rasputin had drunk himself through a lunch hour and missed a significant appointment, but for once it was fortuitous, because the invasion path was squarely in a cross fire between the cartel and the DEA which had been keeping an eye on facebook since the phrase invasion of privacy was invented.
When he awoke, Rasputin opened his eye to behold another, smaller, eye an inch form his. Fearing the DTs he asked, "Who are you?" not at all sure he wanted an answer, or what one would mean.
A surprisingly bass voice responded, "We have come to help with the invasion, would you like to see some references?"
BBC - Earth News - Cane toads are evolving into super-invaders
news.bbc.co.uk http://news.bbc.co.uk/earth/hi/earth_news/newsid_9096000/9096795.stm
The cane toads had a propensity for stealing motorcycles, and wore little leather vests with "Bad Toad" embroidered on it. Their idea of helping with the invasion was taking over, though they threw Rasputin a bone and told him he could be 'spokes-rabbit'. Rasputin's displeasure was muted by his new found relationshi...p with the librarian whose taste in historical re-enactment featured Catherine the Great.
When Rasputin protested to the toads that the invasion had been his idea, one of them said to him, "lick me." Rasputin who was still coming down from an acid trip which had encompassed five continents and two oceans kept his tongue in his mouth. Instead, he returned to the librarian seeking solace only to find her dre...ssed in jodhpurs.
"It's not what you think it is," she said as she laid the riding crop down.
Rasputin's mind was so addled he had no idea what he was thinking. After a long pause he said, "Need more drugs."
The librarian, who long ago had given up on men, scowled, remembering exactly why she had come to this conclusion. Still, she wasn't ready to give up, Rasputin was the closest thing to a sentient companion... she had met in quite a while. Besides, she liked the idea of playing dress-up with Napoleon.
Dispatches from Farmville reported the toads were swiftly consolidating their hop to power. An elite team was working with the programmers, and they were on the verge of unleashing a beta version which would force all the residents of farmville to eat bugs and worms as a part of their daily routine. Rasputin realized... this was good time to stay in the background, and went onto ebay looking for Napoleon accessories
The librarian, who had changed her name to Catherine when she was twenty three, was not in the least bothered by historical inconsistencies. Her experiences with men were such that she was glad to be rid of the species. She was a little concerned though about the prospect of bringing Rasputin to Thanksgiving dinner at her mother's.
Catherine's mother, who was so liberal she had lesbian leanings, immediately got out her old edition of the Joy of Cooking when her daughter broached the subject of bringing a rabbit to Thanksgiving. This was just one more complication for what was a difficult holiday at best - for a number of often dramatic reasons.
Rasputin, for whom Thanksgiving had always been a holiday of misgivings and misanthropy, realized that the invite meant that Catherine envisioned the relationship would last at least 30 days. He hadn't maintained a relationship for that long since his last stretch in county jail.
Reports from Farmville indicated that the cartels were resorting to a ruthless campaign to crush the cane toads with a heavy application of steam rollers. Unfortunately this made the roads so slick with yuck the denizens of Farmville were forced to stay home, and, in doing so, they discovered a new computer game whic...h involved going to a virtual nude beach and spending the day ogling each others imaginary bodies.
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