"I was blinded to the insanity of the family by two things, Joe was rich and he was better in bed than anyone I'd been with till them." Ellen paused and laughed, before continuing, "and it was a whole lot like the Titanic not being able to see the iceberg. I can take that metaphor a long ways, "It was the rich part that blinded me the most, I have to admit. When I was growing up we were rich, or at least I had everything I wanted and more. My dad was very successful - I got spoiled and when it all went away, that's a story in itself but it can be condensed into a short sentence. My father had a mid life crisis and tried to reverse the aging process with cocaine, gambling and a much younger woman. His business went down the tubes, and my mother was left with a huge mortgage, and a bunch of guys named Guy who said that we owed them a lot of money because of an unfortunate bet my father placed. So, then I was poor, we moved in with my Aunt Gloria who was a very sweet woman, but was someone who could not help telling her sister, my mother, 'I told you so' at least eight times a day." "Being a gold-digger in a family that is in the sewage treatment business requires knowing exactly where to dig. The patriarch, Thom was controlling, obsessive about details, and determined that his children would have a better life than he did so long as they were willing to get their hands dirty.The children, were not in agreement and resorted to a good number of ruses to avoid actually working for or with him. There were graduate degrees, which would they claimed make them more useful to the company, there were trips to the far corners of the earth to scout out new business and to learn techniques which would make the company more profitable. All of this was encouraged by their mother who had been cast aside for a younger woman who in turn was ditched for a spring chicken, the one who ended up killing him in bed.Rasputin, who had been enduring the court case on which he was serving as juror number 4, had his attitude adjusted when he heard testimony about a fifth brother who had been killed three years ago while carving a Thanksgiving turkey which had been stuffed with a stick of dynamite by his soon to be ex-wife. "My kind of people," he jotted on the note pad they'd been given.This brother, the eldest, Thom two, had been universally reviled because he was such a brown nose, and because he was poised to take over control of the funds on which his siblings depended. And the widow was acquitted when the defense showed there were several others with equal motive and opportunity all the while showing that the widow did not know that she was about to be served with the final divorce papers at desert.
During a break, of which there were many due to the wrangling of the multitude of attorneys, Rasputin voiced his opinion that a jury who was smart about it could stand to profit handsomely from this case. Several others were immediately receptive to this with only one, Agnes Williams, juror number ten, voicing outrage and shock. Rasputin, called his acronym-less keepers and had them search her background until they found a juicy trail on her computer which led to websites relating to the sex life of Barbie and Ken. By the end of the day she had been replaced by an alternate.
Note: At this juncture Rasputin discovers the joy of having his own facebook page where he registered as a politician running for emperor of Farmville on the Anarchist party.
Having his own Facebook page went to Rasputin's head and he concocted a payout of the yet unpaid bribe that gave him six shares and each of the other jurors one. This was not to be. Juror number 1, a large woman who said jury duty was better than most of her a vacations, "because Buzz isn't here with me and I don't have to listen to him whine." disabused Rasputin of any notion that he was in any way special or privileged. "Watch your step , Rabbit, or you'll end up in a cage at the state fair." This brought up some rather unpleasant memories and there was something about her that told our hero not to call her bluff
Rasputin's relationship with the agents whose acronym is classified eased considerably when he reported the progress he'd made in getting the jury to envision the rewards possible. They brought in a retired US attorney who explained that "Jury tampering is an art. It isn't quite like Sothebys." This relieved Rasputin who had not quite figured out the details, and who was glad to let others set up the offshore bank accounts. He was also encouraged that the large pot was no longer in evidence in kitchen of the safe-house.
Rasputin was terrified about the implications of this statement. “Are you guys really Americans?” he asked the agents, “That goes against everything this county stands for. The retired US attorney nodded, “the trick is to stay out of jail yourself Your verdict has to seem remotely plausible. Besides, you have a vested interest in one of the possible outcomes, any payoff is just gravy.” Rasputin was glad he’d never been prosecuted by this man, he was slicker than goose shit on a Teflon frying pan. “How do I explain that to the other jurors?”>
As the judge gavelled the court into session three days
later, Rasputin stood in the jury box and said, “Your honor the jury has
reached a verdict.” There was a gasp and then three of the plaintiff's
attorneys stood yelling something about the trial not being finished. The judge, who was not looking forward to hearing testimony on this case for the next six months, who had already grown to hate all the lawyers in the room except one who was far too cute to hate, and who was sure the appeals of whatever verdict would eventually be rendered would drag on for years anyway, thought, “why the hell not?” and ordered the bailiff to place duct tape over the mouths of the lawyers.
Rasputin addressed the court,
“First, your honor, while it was not on the list of charges,
we believe all the participants in this lawsuit are guilty of excessive and
depraved greed. Second, we believe the
only fair solution is to deprive all of them of any gain, therefore our verdict
...is that the proceeds of the estate should go to
a charity, and we the jury are willing to oversee this.” The court room broke into many moniums some panda, some zebra as the participants of the suit were suddenly thrown into an alliance that none of them could ever have envisioned. They had to protest this but...
This alliance lasted less than two seconds, there was far too much blood under the bridge for them to ever agree on anything - except that all of their opponents were being screwed. This was why they were there in the first place. Each had already siphoned off enough of the estate that they would not be left within two time zones of destitute.
As the bemused judge watched, one then another of the plaintiffs whispered to their attorneys
that this was acceptable to them.
Rasputin, who had tripled the amount of gin he usually
poured over his corn flakes that morning, was as amazed as anyone. But he was ready when the judge banged his
gavel and asked, “what charity do you have in mind?” Rasputin and the Judge were on the covers of Time, Newsweek, People and the Harvard Law Review which hailed it as “the spark of the revolution needed to induce tort reform to our failing judicial system.”
There was considerable attention paid in the press and media to the verdict and the payout to the jury. Rasputin who had never been one to shirk a press opportunity went to an interview on Court TV where he found himself sitting with one of the parties in the suit.
Ellen was, Rasputin could not help but notice, very
attractive. While some of the other
participants in the suit had expressed bitterness about the outcome, she smiled
and answered a question by saying, “It is as important to take joy in the
defeat of others as it is to savor your own victories.""My kind of woman," Rasputin thought.
Next: Rasputin in Love - will our hero get diverted from his quest?
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