"if an amphibian can run for president, why not me, a sentient rabbit or great wit and ambition." With those words Rasputin, dressed in an ill fitting Santa Costume, announced his intention to enter the primaries Though conditions of parole, probation, and probate expressly forbid him from actually campaigning in Iowa, and several other states, he understood the power of the internet and pronounced himself the first Virtual Candidate. Thanks to the legalization of Marijuana in farmville he knew he had that block squarely behind him, though some of them were still in pursuit.
Knowing that the divorced males voting block appeared to be key to the nomination, Rasputin, whose marriage status was in some doubt in several relationships past, reached out to three women who he'd avoided the process servers of, and suggested they try again with suggestion that they might try filing the first ever class action divorce. He called a press conference and asked their help in finding any other abandoned or otherwise obsolete wives that he may have overlooked.
Rasputin's first campaign pledge is to say "everyday can be Christmas - if we turn the ATF into a distribution agency. Who needs food stamps when you can have Ammo Stamps?
Knowing that the divorced males voting block appeared to be key to the nomination, Rasputin, whose marriage status was in some doubt in several relationships past, reached out to three women who he'd avoided the process servers of, and suggested they try again with suggestion that they might try filing the first ever class action divorce. He called a press conference and asked their help in finding any other abandoned or otherwise obsolete wives that he may have overlooked.
Knowing when to lie is the hallmark of a good politician, and Rasputin, a master, intimated that his former wives might be entitled to retroactive alimony, child support, and other substantial payments, he left out the part about publisher's clearing house. This tidbit, which increased the newsabilty of his story resulted in applications from six hundred seventy four scorned women - he reckoned about thirty four of them had some sort of score to settle and pushed for Secret Service protection.
In the debate Rasputin adroitly defended his polygamy, by stating his belief that the government should stay out of his, and for that matter, anyone's bedroom. This got some huge cheers and a wink from the female candidate who was wearing a dominatrix outfit under her power suit. His suggestion of raising revenue by issuing licenses to registered sex offenders was met with some derision until he claimed he could balance the budget on those revenues within two years. "Of course we may need revise a few statues, he said.. What if a Gay marriage license cost ten million dollars?
After polls and interest group surveys came to the conclusion that rational positions on any issues were trumped by personal attacks and pandering to emotions, Rasputin decided his campaign slogan would be 'F*cks like a bunny' - how could anyone argue with that? And if it conjured images of the other candidates in bed, so much the better.
Knowing that 75 percent of the internet is devoted to porno, Rasputin decided to take his campaign to California where he proceeded to make a series of XXX rated commercials which he then uploaded to the net. After one grueling session which involved dominant dwarfs, submissive sheep, and enough silicone enhancement to keep dow-corning busy for a week, Rasputin stopped by the studio canteen and picked up a pop-tart which inexplicably had an image of Buddha embossed in the strawberry icing. Will this pop tart impart wisdom and enlightenment to our befuddled hero - or will he try and sell it on Ebay?
Rasptuin held the Buddha embossed pop-tart and realized that his enlightenment might make a good photo op which would take at least three hours to set up, but he was hungry now, besides the pastry was a bit worse the wear from having been subjected to an Ebay auction that did not reach his minimum.
